How could I resist this ice cream cone cupcake from Penny Licks? It's adorable. But, it was also terrible. Every part of it, even the sprinkles, tasted old and stale and flavorless. It was unconscionable.
Desserts »Penny Licks (Worst Dessert)
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Songs »I Say A Little Prayer (Worst Song)
I really don't want to live my life begrudging Rupert Everett anything, but I'm afraid he's the one mainly responsible for the renaissance of popularity behind the grating Dionne Warwick hit “I Say A Little Prayer”. A friend recently purchased an unusually long-limbed teddy bear clad in a ladies hat and a tank top emblazoned with the phrase 'Grandma's Favorite' (at Mohegan Sun, no less) that, upon squeeze, 'sang' it which didn't help matters in terms of my angry feelings towards this obnoxious song.
I know it may seem like an odd one to feel passionately hateful towards, especially since I'm no hater of Warwick or Burt Bacharach, but there you have it.
See more: Songs 1960s Love Songs Worst of
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Posted on November 9, 2009
Drinks »The Charleston (Worst Drink)
You guys know I'm always there to defend a hipster; that's not the source of my beef with The Charleston. It's just become such a terrible scene to run smack into on your way out of the subway – like an underage pocket of Austin's grody 6th Street. It defines the new obnoxious, oblivious, street-side drunkenness that gives the younger generation such a bad name.
I've even been coerced into going inside once by a friend we ran into on the street, and what CitySearch has erroneously called “vastly charming” is actually vastly disgusting, with some of the most heinously unkempt and overflowing toilets I have ever been privy to (pun intended) in my life… But that's the downside of offering free pizza to drunk children, I suppose.
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Posted on November 9, 2009
Laughs »Check Out My Theme Songs (Worst Laugh)
The songs themselves (musical themes self written by a self deluded reality TV semi-star for self conceived programs he would star in)? CONCEPTUAL GENIUS!
“When you want to learn the mysteries of how things work
Weather, the planets, the whole universe.
Tune into the show, that's really effective
Watch Richard Heene – Science Detective!”
The fact that this is somebody's real dad? Just depressing.
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Posted on November 9, 2009
TV Shows »Masters of Horror (Worst TV Show)
Masters of Horror, or as it can be more accurately referred to: Masters of Horrible, is an embarrassment to everyone – especially?to us: fans of horror who end up chronically watching it on Netflix's instant service, hating it and ourselves in equal measure.
The horror anthology genre is not always held to the highest standards (I just rented The Hitchhiker and discovered it's dreadful) but this mess makes me wish the genre would just go away for a few years until someone with a real vision and care takes charge of it. On paper this could have been brilliant: past masters like Tobe Hooper (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and Dario Argento (Susperia) have an hour to scare us within the reasonable budgetary constraints of a Showtime series. Instead every director to helm an episode convincingly proves that they should never be trusted again to do anything ever again.
And the fact that I have personally viewed about 80% of the episodes… maybe I should not be trusted to do anything ever again, especially when it comes to proffering entertainment recommendations on the internet.
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Posted on November 9, 2009
Web Sites »Perez Hilton (Worst Website)
We live in a world where a pig man can gain fame by crudely drawing jizz on the face of pointless celebrities. It's fine to weep.
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Posted on November 9, 2009
Places to Visit »Saratoga Harness Track and Gaming (Worst Place to Visit)
Over all, I had a wonderful time in Saratoga Springs but, despite winning three dollars from the fabulous Glitter Princess slot machine, next time I'll skip out on the carpeted depression that the Harness Gaming Track wallows in. Instead I'll plan my visit around the limited dates of the far classier official racing season.
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Posted on November 9, 2009
Style Icons: Female »Speidi (Worst Style Icon, Female)
They're terrible, sure… but just to be fair I'll let them defend themselves in their own words. These are some of Heidi's:
'Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know?'
'I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God.'
'I plan to win an Oscar. I'm very ambitious.'
'I grew up watching Britney Spears. That's someone I inspire to be, you know, like, career wise. I think the world is ready for the next pop star and I'm ready to be the next pop galaxy, so here we go.'
'[Joining the Mile High Club] was maybe the best experience I've ever had in my entire life.'
'I'm more of a modern Mother Teresa.'
And Spencer's:
'Not picking Heidi for the vice president, it's just cold.'
[On Heidi's song, “Fashion”]: 'It's the greatest song of my life.'
'My hustle is just too crazy. I'm trying to take over the world!'
'Anyone in Transformers or Twilight — that's cheating. Because if you give me a billion dollar marketing machine behind Speidi, we would be Obama right now.
'We're just heating up the water in the bathtub. It's gonna get hot!'
'I have never been so madly in love as I am with Heidi. She has the world's greatest boyfriend!'
'I secretly am the hottest rapper in the game.'
'Heidi Montag is the “new, modern day, 2010 Michael Jackson”. Like, Michael Jackson's in heaven. The Holy Spirit now has Michael Jackson juice, so boom! For all we know, Heidi gets possessed with Michael Jackson's divine spirit.'
I'm not often on 'corpulent vampire' Al Roker's side, but I do enjoy this clip.
See more: Style Icons: Female Dilettantes Worst of
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Posted on November 9, 2009
Style Icons: Male »Christian Audigier (Worst Style Icon Male)
This is almost too easy. The douche bag empire built upon the 'heritage' of the real Don Ed Hardy (a famous tattoo artist who is not, as one would have to assume, dead – which must make his daily episodes grave-rolling a bit spooky to witness) has become, in the wrinkly, orange and predatory claws of French grossy Christian Audigier a tacky, garish and omnipresent style nightmare… They've even come out with an expansive array of Ed Hardy beverages, including (but not limited to) a vodka (see the banner hanging outside our neighborhood's brightest spot, Club Europa) and a “celebrity” energy drink.
Be sure to watch this Ed Hardy boys video for more laughs at the brand's expense.
See more: Style Icons: Male Businessmen Worst of
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Posted on November 9, 2009
Albums »Glee – The Music (Worst Album)
I have a confession: I like Glee. I think it's smart and funny and every time Jane Lynch is on the screen I am completely happy with the world. However, I spend a large majority of the (hour long!) show either revolted and pushing fast forward or downright embarrassed and looking away (that would be every time Matthew Morrison starts to rap and hip hop dance) because of those damned musical numbers.
I'm sure this American Idolization was a vital component to getting the surprisingly edgy show on the air but the songs (of which there are far, far too many each episode) are a real obnoxious downer… and now they are available in one easy to torture your enemies with CD.
Ever wanted to hear a (more) emasculated version of REO Speedwagon's Can't Fight This Feeling? Glee's got it.
Even worse than the squeaky clean, over produced, Broadway-style trained vocalized cannibalization of songs I actually like (such as Dancing with Myself), the show and its cast are unforgivably responsible for introducing me to popular songs I could have otherwise easily avoided by willfully and purposely not turning on the FM radio. I never had to know about Celine Dion's Taking Chances or Jordin Sparks's No Air and I would have been happier for it.