Movies »Teen Witch

Directed by Dorian Walker (1989)

The wikipedia entry for Teen Witch reveals the shocking truth that the teenager musical was a box office bomb grossing less than $4000 in its opening weekend with a budget of two and a half million! Of course, with repeated airings on cable and midnight shows (at one of which friend John got to actually dance with Robin Lively!) it’s become the cult classic that we know and love.

I recently revisited the innocuous favorite which is more than perfect for Sunday afternoon viewing and found it just as silly, strange, and dumbly enjoyable as I remembered.

From the opening shots of Louise Miller gyrating to Taylor Dane style pop with the local hottie, Brad to the final scenes of Louise Miller gyrating to Taylor Dane style pop with the local hottie, Brad, the movie is an 80’s Disney Channel esque delight. Not surprisingly, Disney actress Ashley Tisdale is in talks to star in a remake.

Of course, I’d be shocked if they kept the hilarious musical numbers as is (including  “I Like Boys” and the often referenced – recently in 30 Rock – “Top That Rap“) and while Teen Witch is definitely not racy stuff, that beginning gyrating scene does feature star Robin Lively looking like a prostitute in red lace and what would be more shocking these days, she totally gives it up in an abandoned house to Brad without scruples.

Trust me, after just having watched Starstruck (yes, this is the kind of guilty pleasure viewing I do when no one is looking) where the two young actors barely even kiss, implied going all the way will never make it in the remake.

But I digress on the supposed remake and there’s so much to say about the original. Many things can be said in the stills below/after the jump but worth noting is the bizarre brother creature, Richie, played by the same intriguing young strange actor you may recognize from the very un-Teen Witch movie River’s Edge, the wonderful Zelda Rubenstein as a fellow witch, the surprisingly so-uncool-they’re-cool again fashions, and of course those cringe inducing, but oh so awesome musical numbers.

It has not been available on DVD always, but can be rented at Netflix though sometimes with a long wait, so people are still flocking to this cheesy nostalgia piece. If you never knew the glories of it growing up, don’t expect a traditionally “good” movie, with suspense or drama, just go with flow and you’ll find there’s very little in the pre-teen comedy genre that tops it.

Oh, and if you too want to be a Teen Witch, it’s now possible with this nifty kit.

Brad, with rooftop hottie lighting.

She put on the red light.

Our first introduction to the High School rapping trio.

I Like Boys musical number complete with big bangs – a trend I knew well in Junior High, but rarely saw depicted in popular culture.

Resident hottie, Brad mid push up.

I pretty much couldn’t resist taking a still anytime the creature brother was on screen.

Obviously magical.

Bleached denim, like walking Alexander Wang bags.

She really wore this to a dance…

and dared to call this guy a dweeb? I think he’s totally cute though his cocaine spazzing out was a bit too much to handle.

That’s better. And it comes with a tye dye neon tutu.

Creature brother is making a monster truck tire sized pizza while turning the kitchen into a marinara sauce crime scene.

1600’s witches yearbook.

Love the hat, the colors, the curl bangs, and the love potion.

Adorable voodoo doll.

Resident adult hottie, some sort of Count.

“I’m hot and you’re not”

You will never, never, never Top This!

She’s no Taylor Dane, but Shauna the Rock Star may as well be.

This is what the coolest couple in any school should look like.

Remember the trend, later adopted by strange perky great grandmas, of combining taspestry and bleach denim? The war medals are a nice touch.

Crunchy curls and lots of blush.

It was also hard for me to not take a shot of the Top This rapper, here with his homeboys playing it cool.

I actually love her outfit here. So Stevie Nicks meets Barbie!

Wonder if Zac Posen rewatched this scene before his target line included a similar Hawaiian blouse?

This is what the most popular guy in school should wear before deflowering.

Sexy time.

Her side ponytail is driving her nerdie friend wild with bitter envy.

A serious sweater for a serious talk with dad.

Again and without words.

The dreamiest frame in the whole movie, it could have been put on a poster and sold at Spencers.

I’d  let Zelda sit on my lap too.

Dance number extras, giving it their all.

Zelda channeling Zelda.

And, end.

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Posted on June 20, 2010

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  • From Pingback“Top That” – Teen Witch « Mollytics! on June 25, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    […] No one told me that Kenneth performed this in 30 Rock!! Where have I […]

  • From Felicia on March 4, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    This movie, on VHS, taped off of HBO, practically defined my childhood and concept of cool. Needless to say, I easily became the most popular girl in school….and might have been accused of trying to be a witch on occasion.

    This photo collection is the perfect summary of this heinously awesome film. Good Work!