Lifetime Movie Network Gold

Well, hello there sugar. You in the mood for the kind of scenery chewing actin’ that the lil’ old Lifetime Movie Network was made for? You just itchin’ for the kind of yarn that’s hotter than a junebug on Georgia asphalt? Well, then pull up a chair and grab yourself a glass of sweet tea (something that I’ve learned from both this miniseries and NBC’s To Catch a Predator is always a trap) and settle in for Ann Rule’s Everything She Ever Wanted – a series that begins with a genuine Gone With the Wind-themed weddin’.

Gina Gershon smacks her lips around the role of real life sociopathic southern belle Patricia Allanson (who in reality bears very little resemblance to Gershon) like some sexed up, large titted dog might around a badly written bone. It makes for a much better viewing experience than Ann Rule’s other recent Lifetime event, Too Late to Say Goodbye, where Rob Lowe plays a seemingly perfect husband, but is actually a wife killer.

So imagine my surprise and horror when, after watching for two hours (gathering as many screen shots as possible), the show ended with Gina injecting an old woman in the mouth with poison followed by a “To be continued…” message – and I didn’t record the second half! Lifetime, shame on you for not re-airing this glorious heap of camp and trash. What do we pay you for?! If you think it’s just for the Reba re-runs (now airing in the morning) and decades-old Tracey Gold amnesia dramas (The Perfect Daughter, aired Wed 25th at 2:00), you are sorely mistaken.

Click here for the rest of Ann Rule’s Everything She Ever Wanted

See more: TV Shows Bad Movies Miniseries True Crime

2 Comments →
Posted on November 29, 2009

Undoubtedly, the images I posted over on RC are going to make Hardbodies look like a lot more fun than it is. The film is no B-movie delight like Joysticks, mostly because of an overwhelming grossness factor.

The plot concerns a homeless surfer named Scotty Palmer who gains employment as a sort of pimp to three “sex geezers”- old men who have moved in together to a summer beach house to get laid. Scotty's best friend is a horny monster face of a kid named Rags who has beef on the beach with a roaming gang of sexual predators (see man in the “Boogie Til You Puke” tee).

Watching said men get mesmerized by boobs and suffer from nauseating blue balls (see after the jump) is perhaps less exciting than it sounds. But on the other hand, there is an all girl band called Vixen who rocks my world in leg warmers with a song called “Computer Madness”, there are performing bodybuilders, there is a car water bed sex palace, and there are numerous fake breast antics that you just can't find in comedies anymore.

Oh, and some photos after the jump are not safe for work – and one in particular (which includes a feather boa) is likely to give you nightmares. I apologize.

See more: Laughs 1980s Bad Movies Comedy

Be the first to leave a comment →
Posted on September 21, 2009

It's only fair to start this entry off by warning you that The Room is a uniquely terrible “movie” – but it's more than just hilariously bad, it's powerfully infectious and, make no mistake about it, The Room will haunt you long after its 139 minute running time. Weirdman Tommy Wiseau (who punctuates every hard to understand line from, “You wasn't kidding, underwear, I got the picture,” to “Yes, the barbecues chickens was good and the rice,” and, “Anything for my princess,” with his signature forced, eerie laugh), will show up mumbling in your dreams.

Actually, more accurately, after viewing an exorbitant amount of sex scenes scored to porny 1990s R&B (make sure to follow up with this week's song), wherein his filmy, blueish-white body (which looks entirely skin grafted), begins butt clenching and thrusting, it's your nightmares that he'll be showing up in.

Wiseau, whose name appears dozens of times at the movie's intro (including not one, but two poorly executed logos for his company, Wiseau Films), wrote, directed, produced and stars as Johnny in this strange tale about a strange man that everyone seems to love except his fiance, a blonde whiner named Lisa whose biggest achievement in the film was making me want to exercise more.

In a bizarre way, she's actually well cast (if she could have acted at all, and like everyone here, she can't, her portrayal of an underemployed 'computer worker' would not be nearly as memorable), you can really see this woman as the crazy girlfriend of a crazy man – but as a temptress who is “so beautiful” and makes every man fall in love with her with the aid of long “sexy” night gowns? Not so much, unless you harbor latent sexual fantasies about Becky from Roseanne with lots of whore thrown in.

She begins an affair with Johnny's explicitly defined best friend Mark, who kind of reminds me of Spencer without the evil, but if I may say it, even dumber? Like Lisa, Mark is quite a bit younger than Johnny, and the question of exactly how these two are best friends lingers throughout the film.

Age is unclear and disturbing in other characters as well, particularly with Denny (who everyone refers to as Dinny), a man/boy who barges into the first scene with no context or introduction. He's clearly a man, but with his clothes, the way he's treated like a ten year old, and his creepy affected child voice, it's clear he's meant to be a boy – what age boy and with what mental capabilities is not understood. No matter what the answer, it's awkward when he jumps in between Lisa and Johnny before one of their horrible, rose petal accented love making sessions in an attempt to start a pillow fight.

Unlike other plot holes, some of the?mysteries surrounding the origins of the “boy” Dinny are explained, but the answers only confuse matters. He has no parents, he's 18, Johnny wanted to adopt him but instead set him up in his own pad (which lacks butter and sugar) and has paid for his tuition. But if the boy is 18, and Johnny is meant to be the peer of a bunch of twenty-year-olds, isn't Johnny adopting a man just a few years younger than he is?

If you find yourself wondering what happened to Dinny's drug situation or Lisa's mother's breast cancer, I'm afraid you will be left in the dark. Always mysterious as a filmmaker, Wiseau doesn't answer all the questions and follow up all the plot lines he introduces – but he will throw in a long scene at a coffee shop that serves cheesecake and include two different sets of extras ordering before the action begins.

Set design, costumes, lighting, makeup – it's all terrible. Even rooftop scenes are weirdly blue-screened because there was no budget for a real rooftop.

The “film” debuted in LA and ran a billboard on Highland Avenue, it was word of mouth of the true horribleness of the film that has quickly gained its cult status as a midnight movie. Less well known on the east coast, you could have still caught glimpses of it in an episode of Tim and Eric featuring Wiseau or at midnight on April Fools, on Adult Swim. Numerous screenings have swept parts of the country (but to my heartbreak, I just missed a screening in the city) and everyone from NPR to the Times has taken notice of the phenomenon. Any fan of hilariously bad movies who hasn't already become obsessed should take notice too.

See more: Movies 2000s Bad Movies Drama Romance

Be the first to leave a comment →
Posted on July 6, 2009

Featured in the only sex scene that stars a man with actual skin over his body, You Are My Rose is by far the most memorable lite-Skinemaxy song to come out of this week's incredible “film”, The Room (which I have re-watched a few times since writing my entry, and if I could, I'd go on forever).

Singer Kitra Williams is actually a quite accomplished performer, she starred in Broadway's The Color Purple and is an activist who began the Agape Academy an:

“Organization honoring youth and young adults
desiring to rededicate their gifts and talents for the Gospel sake. We cultivate the gifts of our youth and encourage them to minister messages of hope through theater, film and cartoon animation. We provide scholarships and national opportunities for their talents to be showcased at out annual Agape Awards ceremony.”

Plus, as this song can attest, she can really set the mood for spiral staircase sex.

See more: Songs Bad Movies R&B Romance

Be the first to leave a comment →
Posted on July 6, 2009

The movie is even worse than you think.
But the animatics are unbelievable.

See more: Laughs Animated Bad Movies

Be the first to leave a comment →
Posted on November 7, 2005