Laughs »Steven Seagal Movies

steven seagal moviesJim and I have been delighting in a Steven Seagal festival, thank goodness Cinemax and AMC still play his movies as if it were 1993. We were astounded by Fire Down Below, in which Seagal plays an EPA agent who needs to battle my favorite silver fox, Kris Kristofferson in the hills of Kentucky. Seagal dons three different and fab jackets – a plain black leather with Santa Fe silver detailing, a tan leather with fringe sleeves, and my favorite – a black leather, patched southwestern blanket number. Willows from CSI is the love interest and Harry Dean Stanton makes the most embarrassing career choice of his life as a simpleton (I can only imagine that the slow motion hillbilly dance he does in overalls at the end of the film is replayed night after night in his worst nightmares).

In Hard to Kill, which truly seems like it was written by an eight year old who was allowed to use curse words and excessive violence, Seagal plays a cop who goes into a coma and comes out of it with revenge on his mind (he also comes out of it with a long wise man's fu man chu beard).

Highlights: Kelly LeBrock in a hooker outfit in a sudden sex scene, a cop named O'Mally (of course), Seagal meditating with acupuncture needles that are burning incense (believe me when I say there was something too uncomfortable about this scene – I could actually smell the sickening scent of patchouli), and the line “I'll take you to the bank … THE BLOOD BANK!”.

Next in our viewing was the best and the worst – Out for Justice. It's the best for his over the top Brooklyn accent and lines like “Eey- Gino, wanna come up for some espresso?” and his monologue about a poor old knife and scissor sharpener who suffered when everyone started to buy disposable knives and scissors. It's the worst because over all it is the most unmatchable.

In fact, I can not in good conscience recommend any of these in the “movies” category because they simply don't qualify, but if you want ass kicking laughs, Seagals your man.

See more: Laughs

Posted on October 23, 2006

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