Spend a Couple Hours »Medieval Times

medieval times new jerseyIn a land, not too far from our fair city, where I once met a dear chap named Spike, lies Lyndhurst, New Jersey. There a large fortress with a large ole parking lot stands and within its walls: Medieval Times!

My friends and I decided to take pleasure in this past time of ten year old birthdays this past Sunday and huzzahed our way to near victory with our red knight.

The tickets request you get there and hour and a half before the show begins. This is to ensure you have time to spend all your money on trinkets, wench bags, T-shirts, booze, swords and an awesome portrait with the king himself. Also expect a pungent aroma of urine and fog machines. Take the time to take in the amazing decor, the sword displays, the art work on the walls, and the fake old texts.

When they finally open the doors to the arena, a menu (classily printed on your paper napkin) insures a mediocre feast awaits you… but no one comes to Medieval Times for the food. It's all about razzmatazz, you know, entertainment! And there is two hours worth of that to be had.

If you are curious about the food though, it's veggie soup, much like Campbells, the butt end of garlic bread (the best part of the meal), a seemingly endless supply of Pepsi, a half of a roast chicken (remove the skin if you want to survive unscathed), a “sparerib” I could not touch, and a potato with seasoned salt. Not good food, but not quite as bad as it could have been. Oh, and no utensils, deal with it or you shall be heckled. And please tip your waiter, the clan next to us left three lousy dollars.

As for entertainment, there were dancing horses, a freaking sweet falconer, lots of plot development in theatrical dialogues, and the knights of the realm – one of which I found handsome but others, eh um Mike, claimed he “looked like a whore from a heavy metal whore house”. If only such a thing existed!

We were rooting for the Gary Oldman cheek boned Red Knight who really should have won if it weren't for a treacherous traitor who totally cheated. Lots of fighting, jousting, flag flying, you know, good stuff.

The price is high-ish, 65 per person if you go whole hog and get the royal treatment with a dvd, front row seats, and a booklet, 55 otherwise, and it's totally worth it for the unique experience.

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Posted on February 25, 2008

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